Dry-Erase

Storytime. In my room there's a dry-erase whiteboard that I cleaned today. I haven't been using this whiteboard recently, because it's been covered with scribbles and things that have been building up over the past four years - things that I've been afraid to erase. What if I forget something I wanted to remember? What if that drawing is really good, and gets lost to the world forever? Or what if I simply like that cute note my friend left for me? I can't erase that, can I? It goes without saying that my whiteboard hasn't been used much throughout the years, despite any whiteboard-y tasks that arise. It sits there, purposeless but for the occasional side-glance. 


Maybe it's just a silly metaphor, but it made me look at my life. I realized how much my present is affected by my excessive dwelling on the past. When my time and mental effort is stuck back there, my metaphorical whiteboard gets cluttered up. I become a useless tool. Something that was designed to do, but currently just is. Anything I could/should/would be doing is put on hold by everything I could've/should've/would've done in the past. 


There's some nasty stuff up there on that board. We got past failures, some doubt, a bit of fear. Anything that keeps me from living the way I ought to, it's there. 


I don't want to forget my past failures. I like to hold onto them like precious ammo in case of an invasion.  If people ever start expecting good things from me, I can whip out my long, gory list of past attempts. Then they can see for themselves why I simply can't. It'd be pointless, see? I try to justify my storehouse by saying that I'm "learning" from past failures. But come on. The only thing they ever teach me is that I should never ever try again, under any circumstances.


There are doubts all over this whiteboard (the metaphorical one). What if I'm not skilled enough? What if I'm doing it all wrong? What if people don't even want my help? What if I'm destined to be a bum on the side of the road? What if this is all a dream, like Inception? What if people are just pretending to like me, when they're actually only putting up with me? What if they're just trying to be nice when they say I'm good at something? These are the thoughts that go through my mind, and cover my whiteboard (still the metaphorical one). Most I can erase immediately, like the Inception one. That'd be kinda cool, anyways. Other doubts, however, get stuck. I almost let them become part of my identity. Like the bum idea; I often doubt I'll ever become successful enough at anything to make a living, which, in turn, can influence my actions today. Self-fulfilled prophesy, anyone? This kind of thinking is destructive. 


And then good ol' fear! Just kidding, it's not good at all. Old, yes. But overall, quite not good. It takes those failures and doubts, and shoves them in my face to prove that it's all true. If I try again, I'll fail. If I take a stand, people will hate me and my life will be over. If I put my heart on the line, everyone will point and laugh, or worse, point and laugh behind my back. If I step outside, an anvil will fall on my head. Everything bad is coming true, and everything good is only meant for other people. Mind games. That's what fear does.


The thing is... Jesus already took down all these demons. 
1. My failures are not reasons to quit. Rather, they serve to show me when I've been relying too much on my own strength, and need to start leaning on God. I can let go of all the self-accusations of worthlessness and incompetence, because it's not my competence that matters. What matters is whether my heart is willing to rest on God's competence. And he is faithful. 
2. All these doubts plaguing me are just lies. I can show you verse after verse where Jesus declares victory over such things - over all evil, in fact. He's made me capable, and he prepares me for everything he wants me to accomplish. 
3. I don't have to fear. I still do, but I can always come running to the promises in his Word, the truth of his love, and his abundant grace in the moment of my weakness.


I can clean my whiteboard (back to the real one). I can use it when it needs to be used. In fact, I made a shopping list on it today! How about that. Even some good things had to go away, like my friend's encouraging note. But you know what I've learned? If you hold on too tightly to the good things of the past, your heart won't be fully open and expectant of the good things to come. And the same goes for my metaphorical board. If I continually let it be cleaned, and I stop clinging to the things of the past, I can be effective and useful for the responsibilities each new day brings.


If I make simple tasks too deep and spiritual, so be it. My whiteboard is clean now; I can't complain! Just don't ask about my sock drawer.