I am blessed to live on a gorgeous Washington lake. I won't be here forever, but I have nevertheless fallen in love with everything about this place. Every season is unique and beautiful, and the lake has a new face every morning. She changes everyday. Some mornings are dark and foggy, while others shine in the hopeful golden light of the sun. Some days, the eagle screeches and chases the crows around, but other days are eerily silent. The series of hills and mountains above the lake creates the perfect frame for the scene. It's amazing. Everyday, it's amazing.
It's been cloudy for a while now, around here. It feels like there hasn't been a clear day for weeks. Maybe I've just gotten used to it. I swore the lake would never loose its wonder, and I would never take it for granted. ...Have I started doing exactly that?
Just today, I glanced towards the lake on my way to my room. I stopped suddenly, and did a double take. Something seemed different, and... off. It seemed smaller, or something. I thought it must be the overcast day, making everything look a little bit sadder. I resigned myself to that thought, and continued on with my day.
But just now, I had a moment of sorts. Here I am, sitting in front of a window, with a view before me that I have been cherishing for nearly a decade. You can see in the top picture that there are two major hills that make up the majority of the skyline: Sugarloaf, the smaller peak on the left, and Mt. McDonald, the big one on the right. That photo was taken early on a clear winter morning, last year. The bottom photo, however, was taken today, and, as you can see, McDonald is invisible. The fog and clouds have been hiding it for days now, and I have started questioning myself. Maybe it's dumb, and I ought to know better, but just now, I was standing here wondering why the mountain was so small. I thought for sure that the trees on the lake didn't reach that high. Maybe they grew? But that couldn't make sense...
I had to pull out my old photos to reassure myself that the highest hill was still actually there, and not simply a figment of my imagination. How did I forget something like that? An entire mountain, gone missing from my memory.
Maybe I'm being too dramatic about this, but it makes me think. What else have I lost? Dreams, ambitions, passions, friendships, opportunities, memories... Some things I turn in and trade for new, like dreams of the future. But other things just seem to go missing. Undoubtedly, much of it is my fault. I could have tried harder, pursued things that matter to me, prioritized, and so on. I overlook so much. I fly past the little things - the ones that often matter most. The monumental things get lost as well. The big picture. The most obvious and essential. I walk right on by.
I think I've been neglecting Jesus, as well. No matter how many times I realize that it's foolish to do this life without him, he gets swept to the sideline. I always want to be the coach, the quarterback, the wide receiver, the tight end, AND the offensive line. I'll do all the work; Jesus, you can be, uh... Head cheerleader. And of course, my Team of Me inevitably falls flat on its face, all season long. When it's over, the scene of carnage tattooed in my mind's eye, and I'm sitting alone in a vacant locker room, a complete failure... Jesus is there. I realize his hand has been on my shoulder the whole time, gently leading me. My finite foolishness disregarded his infinite wisdom, I went my own way, and here I sit. Here we sit.
He is here for all the heartache and tears, through every moment of the seemingly endless ache. His love does not cease when I'm moody, boring, annoying, rude, incompetent, or all of the above. It has never been about me! It's all about what he did for me. His love... It crashes through my walls of self-doubt, and names me Child of God. It tramples my defeat, making it victory through him. My mess becomes something beautiful. Is this not the biggest thing? The greatest news? The most glorious release, impacting every aspect of life on this earth? And yet. I. Dare. Forget. I let this Mountain of Love, Salvation, Joy, Forgiveness, Restoration, and Peace be forgotten, hidden by a frail, misty veil of Doubt, Sin, Failure, Monotony, Fear, Masks. He tears the fog down, and once again, my knees hit the floor.
I think this is how I move forward. Rejoicing in his salvation. Trusting in him. Resting in his love. And then, someday, learning to love like he does.
No comments:
Post a Comment