The Mess

I hide because I hate the conflict. Even if it is not my burden to bear, even if it is not my fight, I hate it so much that I just need to leave. When people are at odds with each other and unwilling to compromise, something in my spirit clenches tight. The urge to leave, to run, to sit, to think, to worry, to imagine peace - is overwhelming. I think that, if I hide for long enough, they will be forced to set aside their differences, reconcile, and join together to find me. That if I hide long enough, the storm will pass, and all will be well when I emerge. I sit and fret until they come to reassure me that nothing is quite as bad as I imagined, and that they're at peace now. Even if they still disagree, it makes all the difference that they are not letting it come between them. I long to return to a world where everything has been sorted out for me. I want to emerge to find healing. Even now, I am sulking in the library. Two of my best friends had a tiff, and I am chaos inside. They would not be able to see it; I look quite placid from the outside. If they come in here though, I will most certainly fall to pieces if they ask about it. If they don't bring it up, my smile will be my default. My desire for peace will overcome my desire for closure, understanding, reconciliation. I may ask how they are. Ideally, if I have hid for long enough and it took them long enough to find me, all will be well. On the other hand, they may have sought me out to vent, or to complain about the other. Worse still, they may never find me. That is the worst of all. To emerge from my hiding to a yet broken situation. To find that my hiding did nothing to help, but rather, my absence ebbed on the issue. Could it be? That I was meant to be an agent of reconciliation? But it is not my fight. How can I push into a place where I'm going to get shot at? Where I am going to cause commotion? Isn't there enough of that? If I were a part of the problem, then of course I would be present. The tension of unresolved issues in my own heart is conflict enough to move me to action. But in someone else's heart? I don't want them to feel as though they hurt me by hurting each other. They did. But it adds a whole other level of needed attention. I will take the fall to keep the peace. 

It worked. They found me. All appears to be well.

But is it really? Gosh, I will question myself until the day I die. I know that I didn't need to be there. I know that I am not at fault. But my attitude is all wrong. I fled. I waited for the storm to pass because I was afraid. I was uncomfortable. How should I have dealt with it? I don't know. But I know that my head is a mess. 

There are other situations. Ones that don't directly involve me, but I could speak into if I so desired. There are the ones that get me. I don't know whether my contribution would be beneficial or detrimental. Must I take the risk? Must I, though there is only a mere chance of it helping? What is my obligation as a human, as a follower of Christ, as a friend?