Admittedly Sentimental Notes from Coffee Shop

Sitting in a café that might have been mine. It's just a short jaunt from the university I nearly attended this year, so I would have likely been a regular here. I could be celebrating the completion of finals week here, surrounded by a group of friends and acquaintances. Instead, I'm watching from the outside. Not literally, of course; I'm inside the café itself. But it's not mine. You know?

I think I'm mostly waiting to see if a familiar face will appear, so I can imagine that a little piece of me is still here, that what almost was isn't completely gone, and that a connection still remains between me and this place. But no one's coming. I guess a few of these older, studious people might be professors, but that's just speculation. I could have known... I could be saying hello and wishing them a Merry Christmas right now. I know for sure that some of these are students. I could be joking with them about that one test that had the answer key stapled to it. But that probably didn't even happen. And I would have no way of knowing if it did.

I haven't lived here. I haven't stayed up late working on finals here. I haven't gotten to know my RA here. I haven't gone on dates here. I haven't met with a professor to figure out my paper here. I haven't jammed on Garage Band with my music buddies here. I haven't ordered down the menu here. I haven't eaten at the amazing taco truck across the street. I haven't listened to the hip music they play here. I haven't gotten up early to come read my Bible here. I haven't prayed here. I haven't gotten to know the staff here, and maybe acquired a job here. I haven't Skyped my family from here. So many things I was going to do...

Was I ever really going to? I sure thought I was. I dreamed about it. Obviously, I'm pretty sure of what I've missed - the life I would have had.

But there are other things - things I would never have gotten to do here. I wouldn't have met my school's class of 2012-2013 here. I wouldn't have learned how to (kinda) use Blender (a little bit) here. I wouldn't have finally figured out and fallen in love with swing dancing here. I wouldn't have had conversations about church music and picking up signals and 7th Heaven and everything with Susanna here. I wouldn't have played (and broken all the rules in) Cut Throat Mafia here. I wouldn't have learned that I live in Brandi Carlile's hometown here. I wouldn't have frolicked in the snow with Justin here. I wouldn't have learned how to live in a small, Jesus-loving-but-still-imperfect community here. I wouldn't have stayed up until four in the morning with friends, doing absolutely nothing and loving it here. I wouldn't have rejoiced over my lack of student debt here (because I would have one here, ha). I wouldn't have almost driven over Tim here. I wouldn't have been a barista here (and therefore wouldn't have spilled our entire supply of coffee beans on the floor in front of the line of gracious but noticeably hurried customers.) I wouldn't have learned my roomie's "usual" (a 12oz. hazelnut hot chocolate) here. I wouldn't have been late to our Friday morning RA meetings here. I wouldn't have knocked over all the chairs with Lauren while frantically chasing the boys down to retrieve her stolen phone. I wouldn't have gathered here with friends here to play ultimate frisbee at midnight in the freezing cold. I wouldn't have run past here to jump in the lake between class sessions. I have done all these things, and so much more... But not here.

Perhaps I'm just overly sentimental. I could go on for a hour, listing all the things I've supposedly missed due to my decision to leave the university for this one year. But then I'd be forgetting about the two hours I could spend listing all the things I've gained by choosing the school I'm at now. And when I say "choosing", I mostly mean "choosing to follow God's leading". So in the end, who am I to mourn the loss of what was never meant to be? I ought to rejoice in the fact that I'm where I need to be - right here, right now. I don't know my next step, but I know I'm in the right position to take it when the time comes.

This is such a strange time of life. Everything impacts the future, but it's impossible to know what exactly the future holds. How do we intentionally work towards a goal that is out of sight? One step at a time? Holding back until everything is clear? Not thinking about it? For now, however, the present is all I have. It's all we have. Let's make the most of it, friends. I like where we are.